It was the middle of the nineties, I was working for a timber preservation company, my job role included, working with the preservation guys killing dry rot, the company had some very good contracts which included working on many large houses along with working for the Lords and Ladies of this land, they also had contacts with the Catholic church.
We had been contracted to work on a church roof which was riddled with dry rot, the work involved removing all roof slates, and infected timber joist, then to reinstate, it was a long term contract which ran for over twelve months, on the inside of the church we had to have a scaffolding erected to cover the entire inside of the church, as the church remained open for services, all the work had to stop whilst the services took place. The internal work included re instate the plaster work and any plaster moulding that got damaged during the eradication of the dry rot.
The contract had been completed, a team of us lads had to go back to make sure no damage had been done to the church whilst the scaffolding was being removed, mainly a general tidy up.
Like most catholic churches this church had several niche which were around ten feet up off the floor in the wall for religious statues, before the contract had commenced the statutes had to be removed and stored in the church for safe keeping, then put back into place after the contract was completed, as the Priest pointed out to us on more than one occasion the statues were older than the church , and came from a church which had previously been built in the same location as the present day church so they would be about three hundred years old.
The statues were very heavy and took two of the strongest lads to lift them into the niche, the only way this was possible was for several planks being laid across a few rows of pews, the statues would have to be carried down the row of pews and then lifted up onto the planks, then lifted into the niche. With a bit of struggle, sweat, shaking knees and squeaky bottoms.
We stood back to admire our work and called for the priest to make sure he was happy with our work and all was tickety-boo, the priest came and he was very impressed with how we had got the church back together for him, just as we were packing up to the go the priest said sorry to tell you lads but although you have put the statues back into the niche they were not in the right order, as they had to represent the crucifixion, so could we please move them into the correct order, he then told us which ones had to be moved, basically all of them, so off he went to do his churchy work.
Alright lads let’s get on with it, the planks had to come back off the van and laid across the pews, all was going great and the statues were removed from the niche to be replaced with the correct statue, only one more “to do lads” I said, as they lifted the statue down from the niche to be replaced but the replacement statue of St Peter was in the way, as I said before these statues were very heavy so I bent down and with all the strength I could summon up I started to drag St Peters statue out of the way, whilst doing this St Peters head hit my knee and his head broke off and started rolling down the church aisle , all went very quiet we looked at each other and said Fucking Hell, Fuck, oh Shit, you Fucking Knob you have broken St Peters Fucking Head off, Panic pursued , that fucking statue is priceless , its hundreds of years old, quick what have we to do before the priest comes back, in panic it was lifted into the niche but without its head, quick grab a bit of silicone out of the van one lad said, so the head got stuck back on with the silicone, masking tape was wrapped around its neck and a timber splint in his back to hold it all together, we had just finished when the Priest came in , how’s it going lads he said, we are just done was the reply, “that’s a good job” he said, and from below you could not see the silicone or masking tape, and we got away with it, the banter in the van and for weeks to come was unreal Lol
Lath and Plaster 