It was the first day back at work after the Christmas break in the year 2000. I was working for a multi-skilled insurance company, handling insurance repairs. I had been with the company for a few years and was teamed up with a highly skilled plasterer and Artexer named Geoff. Since we had worked together for a long time, we knew each other’s strengths and weaknesses well.
Each morning, all employees gathered at the office to receive our job assignments and vehicles for the day. On this particular day, our boss handed us a job sheet with the details:
Job Address Lancaster
Arrival Time 9:30 AM (as the customer would be leaving for work)
Work Required Underboard the lounge ceiling, skim to a smooth finish, install new Gyproc coving around the perimeter, and apply an Artex stipple finish
-Time Allowed 8 hours
Although it was a demanding task, we had perfected our system over the years. Upon arrival, we would both sheet up the area, then underboard the ceiling together. I would apply the fiber tape while Geoff mixed the multi-finish plaster. Once the ceiling was plastered and laid down, I would manage the ceiling while Geoff measured and cut the Gyproc coving. By the time the plaster had set, the coving would be in place. Geoff would then apply a coat of PVA before finishing with the Artex texture. After cleaning up, we would head home.
But today was not a normal day.
Despite having a decent fleet of vans, the company also had a few knackered vans. Unfortunately, we were given one of the worst: a dilapidated Leyland Sherpa van that had no business being on the road. The rust-covered body had holes in the floor, and the top speed barely hit 40 mph. We protested, but our complaints fell on deaf ears. So, we reluctantly set off for the 30-mile journey to Lancaster, forced to take back roads since the van couldn’t handle the motorway.
We arrived at the job site at 10:45 AM—far too late. The customer had already left, so we couldn’t get in to do the work. Frustrated, we called the office to report the issue. After a heated argument over why we were late, we were instructed to return to the office.
“Fuck ‘em,” we said. “Let’s take the scenic route back.”
As we drove around the city, the van spewed all kinds of filth from its exhaust. That’s when we noticed the police conducting emissions tests on passing vehicles. Just for fun, we decided to drive past them. Nothing happened.
“Let’s go around again Geoff” I said grinning.
The second time—still nothing.
By the third pass, they had had enough and pulled us over.
“Can I help you, officer?” Geoff asked innocently.
“Yes, we noticed you driving past several times. Can I ask why?”
“We’re lost,” Geoff replied with a straight face. (These were the days before sat nav, so we relied on street maps.)
The officer wasn’t convinced. “We’re going to conduct an emissions test on your vehicle.”
“Okay,” we said, pretending to be cooperative.
After a quick test, the result was clear—the van was condemned. They gave us two hours to return it to the office before it became illegal to drive on British roads.
The moment we left we laughed all the way back. When we arrived at the office, we triumphantly presented management with the condemned certificate, barely keeping a straight face. But once outside, we burst into uncontrollable laughter again.
The funniest part? That night, someone set fire to the van in the office car park.
The result? A brand-new, shiny Ford Transit van for us.
Now that’s what I call a win!
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“You are a cowboy and you will never make a plasterer as long as you live”
The Day I Ruined a Hotel Room: A Plasterer’s Tale
Lath and Plaster 